Something about Fear!

Me on the first day of school

"So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyses needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."

Franklin D. Roosevelt

   I have been thinking a lot about fear and being afraid lately. A little bit of fear is very helpful; it makes us aware of dangers, it makes us look twice. A lot of fear cripples us; it stops us from pursuing things, stops us from experiencing things. Fear can be a tool to take us further or it could be a wall that stops us from going anywhere. 

   I am by nature a fraidy cat. I worry about things that might not even happen in my life-time. I fear new situations, new people, new experiences. But I am also a very driven person and I often have to face my fears to get what I want accomplished.
It's not always easy, staring fear in the face and moving forward, but most of the time I learn to overcome the thing that I was most afraid of. 

Daddy and I at my
university graduation

   My earliest memory of fear was me going to kindergarten. I remember being awake the night before and being afraid of going for the first time. I can still feel the butterflies in my stomach just thinking about it. I went the next day to my first class and survived it. As a matter of fact I really liked it and I was soon not afraid. Of course I had no choice in that decision as it was up to my parents to decide wthether I would go. Unfortunately that experience did nothing to help me in being less afraid about other things. I always feared any new thing happening. I was afraid when we moved out of Poland and traveled to Italy to live there. I was afraid when we flew in a plane to Canada. I was afraid on the first day of school in Canada. I was afraid when I met every new person. I was afraid before every party, concert, recital, and travel. I was even afraid when I got into university, when I went on first date with my husband, before we kissed. I was afraid on our wedding day. I am not even mentioning all the times that I was fearful when I became a new parent. 

My mother and I

   I guess that being afraid was bread into me. My mother is a very fearful person. I grew up with her fears and worries and often regretted that she was such a fearful creature. My mother saw impossible circumstances happening to her and her kids all around her, and the only way that she could minimize the discomfort of being afraid was to stop us from experiencing things that could (although very unlikely) harm us. She never took us to a fair since she was afraid that the chains on "swings" could break and we would plummet to our deaths. On one instance, our teenage babysitter decided to take my sister and I to a fair and we had a grand time riding swings. When we got home and told our mother she was furious at the babysitter for taking us there. Once I was old enough to attend school I was not even allowed to go to my friend's house and see her (no more than 4 blocks away) since I could get kidnapped or hit by a car, or disappear. 

My sister with one of her pets

   My mother was not only afraid of things happening to her kids but she was also afraid of sharing us with others. She lived in constant fear that we could love someone or something as much as we loved her. She managed to distance us from anyone that might try to get closer to us. She even got rid off our pets since she was afraid that we could get too attached to them. I remember, when I was 14 and my sister was 12 my sister got a kitten as a pet. My sister has always been an animal lover, and taking care of pets was always something that she craved. After many months of begging for another pet (my mother had gotten rid of few pets by then) my mother caved in. The kitten lasted only few days. One day, when my sister and I went out to the store, my mother threw the kitten out. Her excuse was that we didn't pay enough attention to her and spend too much time with the kitten. She didn't even bother to give it away to someone but threw the helpless kitten outside. We tried to look for it but never did find it. My sister was heartbroken. She couldn't understand how a person could be so cruel to a helpless animal. It is really no wonder that both my sister and I have fear of attachment in relationships. 

   When I met Daddy Monkey I was fearful everyday that he would leave me. Fortunately, Daddy was a man who gave me security and understanding and helped me overcome my fear of relationships. It was a really hard road as I grew up watching my parents' relationship fail and end in bitter separation, and expected that in my relationships. But Daddy was kind and patient and helped me work through my fears. For my sister's sake I hope that she will find a man just as loving, who will help her become fearless to attachment. 

Going for a walk with Funky Monkey
and our puppy, Faith.

   I am still a work in progress. I catch myself rationalizing my fears all the time instead of dismissing most of them. Why do I even bother working on it? Because of my kids. I would never want to stop them from experiencing life to the fullest because of my fears. I want them to blossom into confident adults, not necessarily dare-devils but ones that can stand up to things that are scary and do what their little hearts truly desire. I have to work hard every day so that I would never hinder their full potential with my fears. So we try new foods, I let then climb rocks, I encourage them to politely talk to strangers (just not about personal stuff), go to the bathroom in a restaurant by themselves, eat those freshly picked berries unwashed, and all the other stuff that is not likely to harm them. Now excuse me while I go and have a cup of coffee and eat some crackers with peanut butter and soft cheese while pregnant, after all I have to face my fears to become stronger.

Family and friends seeing me off at the airports. I went to
Europe by myself for 3 weeks at the age of 19.